My father died one year ago.

It's probably no coincidence that I was away on vacation for the anniversary of his death - though at the time we booked our trip, it didn't enter my mind on a conscious level.

Now that Christmas is approaching, I'm still not in a festive mood. Not depressed by any means, but just not in the flow of making lists, decorating, etc. that I usually am. I'm one of those people who usually gets their shopping done by the first week of December, then sits back and enjoys the season. This year, I haven't even made a list!

I know I'll have to get cracking because my sons keep asking when the tree is going up. Now that their exams are over, they've even offered to go help me pick it out and bring it home. Funny. It doesn't matter how old they get, they still like the traditional Christmas they grew up with: presents in the morning, breakfast and coffee while we admire the tree, trying out new games or doodads we received, the smell of turkey roasting, the arrival of friends and relatives for the evening meal and pictures around the dinner table.

Nine more days. Writing about this has me a bit more motivated, but I wonder if it will ever be quite the same.

Comments

Anonymous said…
My dad died 6 years ago. Anniversaries are hard.. especially the first one. I am sorry for your loss.
December 17, 2005 7:03 am
Anonymous said…
Thank-you.
December 17, 2005 9:31 am
Anonymous said…
This is my second X-mas since my mom's been gone. I made "her" sugar cookies using her handwritten recipe card. Kind of a nice trip back in time. My cookies did not taste quite as good as her's did though, but I'm pretty sure that's the way it'll be everytime I make them.

Happy Holiday's Ellen...from Ed
December 19, 2005 4:38 am
Anonymous said…
i'm sorry too ell.

matt and i were talking about christmas last night, about how all the christmasy feeling is tyed so tightly to childhood (obviously :) but also how hard it is to recapture. we are in the process of making our own traditions for the boys, i wonder what things will mean "christmastime" to them?
December 19, 2005 9:48 am
Anonymous said…
Jane and Ed, nice to hear from you both.

I think it's good to develop a Christmas tradition that's unique for your inidividual family. Although it can backfire. One year, we wanted to do a skiing vacation over Christmas, but our boys wouldn't hear of it. They wanted to be home with stockings hung on our own fireplace and a turkey dinner with all the trimmings made by yours truly. I tell them, I'm waiting for the day they do the cooking and invite ME for dinner. :D

Have a good Christmas, one and all!
December 19, 2005 2:25 pm
Anonymous said…
Yes, the first anniversaries are the hardest. My father died much too young almost 30 years ago. We always miss them. Mother is 85 now and changes will take place now that I'm in the grandmother stage. I've been thinking about this lately. Holidays make us pensive, remembering the past, experiencing the present, and reflecting on the future.

Hope your Christmas is good for all of you and that you have a wonderful new year.
December 21, 2005 11:35 pm
Anonymous said…
Lost my step dad three years ago christmas and my dad three years ago last september.

The living people you love take the grief away and bring you joy over time that eases the memory.

They are never all the way gone from your heart, it just doesn't hurt so badly.

The level of the loss is a the measure of your love. So embrace the grief, express your grief as a tribute to how much they meant to you and how much you loved them. But then love the ones you're with.
January 07, 2006 7:09 am
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